Thursday, February 08, 2007
*Bugger...*
I miss blogging.. but there's never something really intersting in my routinely mundane life. YES... studying IS mundane *glares...dun argue with me*.. including exams. But, its gonna be all over soon. yay! My last paper is on tues, and I'm so not prepared for it. Its a scary paper.. and I pray that all will be fine.. I know it will, cos I got God on my side! whee...
yeah...life hasnt been fantastic... it hasnt been easy.. it hasnt been fun all the time. In fact, I seem to be hitting valley after valley...brick walls after brick walls... and the person I'm really up against is myself. " Lydia, why cant you be a faster learner?... why cant you play the piano properly?.. why cant u lose some weight?.. why are you so afraid of saying whats on your mind?.. why why why???" And WHY? why cant i seem to be who I really am inside... thinks i know I want to do.. the way I would want to react.. but I dont. The Lydia outside always takes over! Why cant I say something in my heart without analysing what the other party would think about it?? But I know I'm not perfect.. I'm not someone you can always be proud of... but I've come to learn that life is always a journey... and I know who's holding my hand. I pray, God, that You'll never every let go and I know that I'm gonna be just fine...
Pastor Jaymie said this when he was praying for me a few weeks ago.. 'you are at your lonliness in a crowded place'. and it just hit me... i couldnt stop the tears... I never thought of it that way before. I love my friends.. I do. very much. But as much as I do love them, the superficiality of most of my friendships are wearing me thin. I still rely so much on the joy of the Lord.. my strength in time of... tears.. ^^
Someone just told me this yesterday" Why are you doing this for her? do you think she will do the same if she was in your position?"... but you know.. it doesnt matter.. it doesnt matter to me if the person who reprocriate the same way.. i dont expect that of her, and that thought didnt enter my mind. I will always be there for a good friend. period. There is no shortage of friends in times of rejoicing.. i need not be in that group..... ....
I’ve got a major paper coming up on tues… and I have no idea what I’m gonna do.. its tough.. I cant seem to finish studying.. and I’ve got no room for failure..or I’ll never hear the end of it from my mom. Sigh. What is enough? It never is..never will be. Ja… I’m off to study..
*Lord, you catch me when I’m falling..*
